From: MSN NicknameEagle_wng (Original Message) Sent: 9/26/2005 1:39 AM
Boneheaded Approach Works Real Miracles
Monday, September 26, 2005. Page 9.
By Maxim Kononenko
One day, Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office thinking up questions for his annual conversation with the people of Russia. The phone rang. Vladimir Vladimirovich™ picked up. "Hey, pal," said Federal Security Service director Nikolai Platonovich Patrushev. "We've got a problem."
"What now?" said Vladimir Vladimirovich™.
"That American meteorologist, Scott Stevens," Nikolai Platonovich said. "Somehow he found out that hurricanes Rita and Katrina were artificially created using a secret weather weapon developed by Soviet scientists."
"What kind of weapon?"
"You remember when Zhirinovsky threatened to shift the Earth's axis?" Nikolai Platonovich asked. "It's the same weapon."
"Why didn't I know about it?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ exclaimed. "Does Zhirinovsky know?"
"I shouldn't be saying this over the phone, but Zhirinovsky is the one who invented the weapon," Nikolai Platonovich said.
"You're saying he's a scientist?"
"Of course not," the director said. "He's a lawyer. But he put us in touch with an acquaintance of his who knows how to whip up hurricanes, shift the Earth's axis, all sorts of good stuff. This guy's the real weapon."
"Holy cow," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ mumbled. "What's his ... its name?"
"Agent Grigory Grabovoi. Code name: Christ."
"Why Christ?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked.
"That's what he wants to be called," Nikolai Platonovich said. "And to be honest, I'm not going to argue with him."
"If he's so great maybe we should throw him into the war on terrorism. Can he do that?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked.
"You bet," Nikolai Platonovich said. "He kicks ass and takes names. We use him all the time."
"Ok, keep me posted," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said. "Oh, and by the way, why did you kick that Amsterdam guy out of the country? Is he really that dangerous?"
"Amsterdam's a clown," Nikolai Platonovich said with a laugh. "But we have to pull a really boneheaded stunt every now and again."
"What for?"
"People expect less of morons," Nikolai Platonovich said. "Look, pal, if it's all right with you I've got a hurricane about to make landfall."
"Carry on," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said, hanging up the phone. "People expect less of morons. Interesting thought." Vladimir Vladimirovich™ kicked back in his presidential armchair.
Maxim Kononenko is an online satirist and commentator.
http://www.themoscowtimes.com/stories/2005/09/26/008.html